
Photo by Ephraim Mayrena on Unsplash
This one's for all the sensitive, high-achieving, people-pleasing souls whose default is feeling tired, worn out, or just plain 'over it.'
Do you feel like you always respond to friends or colleagues who ask how you're doing with "Good…tired"? For those of us who spend much of our time focused on others—whether through people-pleasing or validation-seeking—it’s no wonder we’re tired. It requires a lot of energy to live our lives and be focused on everything and everyone, especially if we're relying on those outside of ourselves as a barometer to gauge if we're okay.
Many of us—including myself—are highly attuned to the needs of everyone around us. This attunement is what made me a stellar server in the restaurant industry and continues to help me support my clients as a coach and facilitator. It's a gift when this attention towards others comes from a place of service and connection. But when we focus outward for acceptance or validation, that gift becomes a burden.
It takes incredible energy to constantly be in tune with others' moods, emotions, and expectations. If you’ve ever felt your heart race or breath quicken in response to someone’s frustration or anger, that’s your nervous system perceiving danger. It's gearing you up to take action—to create safety or escape the threat.
Whew. Just writing about this effort feels exhausting. Being highly attuned to what's happening around you and always ready to serve and support those you perceive to be in need takes up a ton of mental space and time.
Prioritizing Others’ Discomfort
Maybe you're deep in a book when you hear a loved one in another room sigh deeply or make a noise of frustration. Maybe you're texting a friend, and they send a vague, annoyed-sounding message (God forbid there’s a period at the end—‘okay.’). Or your client or coworker is upset and venting about a project in which you had a lead role.
Do you feel your chest tighten a bit? Does your breath get shallow? Does your attention shift toward trying to figure out what's 'wrong' so that you can fix the problem? Do you worry that you're in some way responsible for the discomfort of this person near you and need to do whatever is necessary to ensure they are not frustrated, annoyed, or upset with you?
Our Nervous System's Role in Keeping Us Safe
That tightening in your chest, racing heart, the shallow breath you experience when someone around you is upset? Those are the physical signs of your nervous system moving from the Ventral Vagal—the state where we feel connected, curious, and safe—to Sympathetic. Fear of judgment or rejection triggers the body's fight-or-flight response so we have the resources to attack or run from the threat. We might not be running from an apex predator, but we still feel unsafe—even if we KNOW logically that disappointing a loved one or client won't kill us.
When the threat is short-lived, our body processes the cortisol and adrenaline released during fight-or-flight and returns to a state of calm and presence. But when our safety is dependent upon approval or validation, and we are consistently on the lookout for dangers, we rarely get the space to return to a place where we can feel grounded in ourselves.
When this happens, our nervous system becomes chronically activated. We hang out in fight-or-flight. It takes a lot of energy for the body to be on guard and ready to react or run at any moment. The feeling of being amped up and alert can help us focus in the short term, but over time, if we stay in this stimulated state instead of returning to pre-amp-up levels, we become depleted. We feel disconnected and numb. We check out.
Chronic stress, compounded with a limited capacity to deal with it, has both a mental and physical impact and may lead to chronic fatigue, depression, digestive issues, headaches, you name it. It can weaken our body's ability to fight off infections. It can even increase the risk of heart and metabolic-related health conditions.
People-Pleasing Is Not About Others
It's important to note that there's a difference between wanting to alleviate another's suffering out of compassion and partnership and wanting to relieve their suffering out of a desire to feel safe and secure. It's not wrong to want to help others when they're feeling upset, sad, or angry. It's compassionate to notice your loved one's frustration and want to help them. It's compassionate to recognize your friend's annoyance and be curious about what's happening to them. It's compassionate to recognize the upset of your client or coworker, acknowledge their experience, and partner with them on a solution.
But when we react to others' emotional responses with (unnecessary or disproportionate) fear and focus on diffusing the intensity of the moment, we aren't focused on helping others. We are focused on fixing the situation in order to feel safe again. In the past, or in abusive relationships, there might be a real fear for our safety. I'm speaking to when we perceive a safe environment as unsafe. When we can't deal with the emotional intensity of someone around us, when we make it mean something about who we are (or aren't), and when we go into action to solve what we view as a problem.
People-pleasing isn't about pleasing others. It's about controlling and managing one's environment and the emotions of others to feel safe.
Because when you feel unsafe or uncomfortable in a situation and start focusing your energy on making sure that OTHERS are okay, your focus isn't on them for the sake of their wellbeing. Your focus is ultimately on you. You "please" others to feel safe. To feel good. To feel like you're in good standing. You rely on a secure environment and relationships for a sense of security.
In the process, we take away the other person's right to their emotional experience. In essence, we’re saying, ‘Your anger makes me uncomfortable, so you need to stop feeling angry so I can feel okay.’ (Note: feeling anger and acting out of anger are two different things. We muddy them. But that's another post for another time)
Outsourcing Our Emotional Wellbeing
One of the best terms I've heard to explain this dynamic is 'Emotional Outsourcing' (big shout out to Victoria Albina). She describes this dynamic as when we "chronically and habitually source our sense of safety, worth, and value from everyone and everything outside ourselves to our detriment, instead of from within."
When we use others as emotional barometers for our personal wellbeing, we turn down the volume of our wants, needs, desires, and intuition. We swallow our feelings. We become numb to our internal cues and base our decisions instead on cues outside us. We do what we believe is needed to maintain a calm and safe (or as safe as possible) environment.
Relying on external validation to feel grounded and safe creates an inconsistent emotional state. You're at the mercy of other people's emotions, always on high alert, and unable to settle into your own sense of emotional safety. You make sure everyone is okay so that you can feel okay. As you're probably aware, this hyper-awareness of everyone and everything is draining.
The combination of outward focus and inward neglect is incredibly tiring. We rob ourselves of feeling much of anything. We might have tamped down the anger and sadness, but in doing so, we also give up the opportunity to experience emotions like joy, awe, and deep desire. On top of this, the energy spent worrying about others' reactions and seeking their approval creates decision fatigue. You lose the clarity that comes from trusting your own judgment and instead expend energy making sure your decisions align with others' expectations.
When you navigate the world based on external demands, the expectations of others, and the wants of those you love, there's little room left for YOU. You need to feel the full spectrum of emotions, speak up for and take action toward what you want, and claim the space to experience life fully.
Unwinding Current Patterns
We might not be able to change our circumstances or those of our loved ones and workmates, but we can focus on nourishing ourselves in a way that helps us respond to life rather than react to it. When we engage with our surroundings without needing to seek approval, we spend less time in fight-or-flight and expend less energy controlling and managing our lives to feel safe.
It can take time to rewire some of these patterns, especially when many of these strategies have been serving us for years if not decades. But it's incredible how much impact even the slightest shifts can have on your stress.
So, how do we start unwinding these patterns?
We can start by recognizing that these behaviors are not about pleasing others but about managing our own emotional discomfort. So, rather than looking outward, we can draw our attention inward. We can become curious about what's happening within us when we get triggered.
Remember, our stress response alerts us to a possible threat. Our sympathetic nervous system gets us into action, preparing our body to fight or flee. This is super valuable when there's the threat of real danger, a deadline we must meet, or a reason we need to perform under pressure.
So, it's great to have compassion for the physical response and allow it to happen. Trying to tamp it down or ignore it doesn't help us, and it might just create an environment perfect for chronic dysregulation.
Instead, we want to get curious about the response. What's the fear? Is it real or imagined? Is it necessary or valuable to respond the way we are? Either way, think of the physical nervous system response as an indication that there might be a danger. When we pause and get curious about what it might be trying to tell us, we get to intentionally act from that point forward. We could attack or run. Or we could give ourselves the space to gently and with compassion return to a place of grounded presence.
Remember, we can't always change the stressful circumstances and relationships in our lives, but we can change how we relate to them.
Create Space for Something New
Step 1 — Build Awareness
Get acquainted with your physical and emotional landscape. Focus inward, without distractions, so you can start to notice what's what.
Create a daily reflective practice:
Schedule time in your day—start with 5 minutes—to check in with your emotions, feelings, and bodily sensations. You might sit quietly with a cup of tea or your journal and get curious about what you're feeling in the moment.
Take time to ask yourself the following:
How am I feeling?
What would bring me joy today?
What do I need in this moment?
What do I want?
Step 2 — Find the Patterns
Once you've taken the time to notice your feelings and emotions and start to name them, the next step is to see how you usually act when that feeling or emotion is present, especially in the company of another person.
Create an emotional response log:
Throughout the day, take time to reflect and consider different situations. For each, record the following:
The situation — What is the event or circumstance that happened?
The feeling — How did I feel emotionally when it happened?
The response — How did I respond or react to the event or circumstance?
The opportunity here is to recognize how our emotions influence our actions, especially in situations we perceive as stressful. The more space we give our emotional experience, the more efficiently our nervous system can settle. And the sooner we can come back to feeling grounded and connected.
Awareness + Action = Change
Once you're more familiar with your emotional landscape and the triggers that set you off, you will have the information to start breaking up the pattern of emotional outsourcing.
You can start by flexing your decision-making muscles. They may be weak at this point, so start small. For example: what small action can you take without asking for advice or approval first? Even a tiny step outside your default pattern will start building self-trust. If done intentionally and in a way that honors your needs, it will conserve mental and emotional energy.
You might also start to set boundaries with a loved one or coworker. Look back at the log of your emotions and emotional responses. For each, ask yourself: what was my emotional need? What is a response that supports that emotional need? Can you say or do something differently from this information that feels more supportive?
Unwinding our nervous system from the emotional experiences of others starts by reclaiming our emotions. When we recognize where we're emotionally outsourcing, we can begin choosing to trust ourselves instead. It's not selfish—it's the opposite. By aligning with our needs and feelings, we show up as more whole, rested, and capable individuals, benefiting us and the people we care about.
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