For those of us who spend our energy making sure everyone around us is happy, being nice is an important skill.
But being nice is not the same as being kind.
There’s a subtle difference between niceness and kindness, and that difference can significantly impact our relationships, both with others and ourselves.
Consider the word kindness:
What does the word kindness evoke for you?
What does it feel like in your body when you imagine offering yourself kindness?
What does it feel like in your body when you imagine offering others kindness?
I invite you to pause for a moment, close your eyes, and consider the questions above.
In my meditation practice this morning, I sat with the idea of kindness. It evoked a warm feeling in my chest, right around my heart—a feeling of groundedness and even power.
When I offered kindness to myself, I felt my body soften. I felt tenderness.
When I listen inward, I know that kindness has a depth that niceness does not. And yet, I still find myself choosing niceness over kindness with others when I’m feeling tired, stressed, or uncomfortable.
This makes sense when you consider that being nice is about pleasing others to avoid conflict or earn acceptance. It’s a social tool that’s extremely valuable, especially for any of us who feel our emotional well-being tied up with others. Meaning, being skilled at being nice is useful for those of us who will people-please or rely on external validation to feel secure in a relationship.
Being nice is also easy to do (for most people) and socially acceptable. There are definitely situations where being nice is appropriate, such as when we want to demonstrate courtesy or respect. And being nice is far better received than being rude, aggressive, or dismissive.
But ultimately being nice is protective and usually self-interested. Being nice prioritizes short-term comfort, often to the detriment of long-lasting and trusting relationships.
Why? Because when behaving nicely often means not sharing a hard-to-hear perspective, giving feedback, or asking for what we need. We might tell our partners, colleagues, or family what we think they want to hear, or what will make them happy in the moment rather than risk upsetting them.
This is where kindness comes in.
Kindness is about genuinely caring for others. It’s about being empathetic and understanding. When we are kind, we show that we are committed to our own and another’s well-being, even when it’s challenging.
When we are kind, we listen actively and share respectfully. We deliver hard news, give constructive feedback, and set boundaries with integrity and respect. We foster open, honest communication, making it easier to address issues and work through solutions. We have the power to make positive changes, effect progress, and deepen trusting relationships.
Embracing Kindness, Even When it’s Uncomfortable
Imagine a friend is doing something that is hurting themselves or others. Maybe it’s a self-destructive behavior, maybe it’s a way they repeatedly act in a romantic relationship. Being nice might look like changing the subject or avoiding the topic, or telling them what you think they want to hear. Being kind could be having an honest conversation about your concerns for them. It could be offering or helping them find support to shift their behavior. It’s offering empathy and trust.
Or say you once asked a family member to respect a boundary and they repeatedly overstep or ignore your request. You might be angry or hurt. Being nice might look like swallowing these feelings and not saying anything to avoid conflict. Being kind might look like gently but firmly restating your boundary and explaining that it’s important for your well-being and the relationship. It’s asking for partnership, respect, and understanding.
Being nice is pleasant, being kind is powerful.
As I reflect on this morning’s mediation, I see how understanding the quality of kindness in my body reminds my mind why it’s important to say or do the kind thing, even if it feels uncomfortable or vulnerable in the moment.
So, I invite you to notice when you choose to be nice. What are the sensations present in the body when you choose niceness over kindness? What does it feel like when you choose kindness?
Awareness is always the first step. From there you can ask yourself, What is the kind way to respond?
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